WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY




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WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby pacifico falafoxy » Sun Jul 19, 2015 5:33 am

    

By: Luis Pabon

I no longer want to be gay. I know that on the surface this statement reeks of the denial, self-loathing and internalized homophobia commonly associated with accepting and integrating ones gayness but truth is, I just don’t want to be gay anymore. It has outlived its usefulness. I have experienced all aspects of the life and can safely say that it no longer speaks to the person that I am or want to become. I didn’t always feel this way.

Initially I came to this community searching for love, intimacy and brotherhood. In return, I got shade, infidelity, loneliness and disunity. The self-loathing in this community forces you to encounter a series of broken men who are self-destructive, hurtful, cruel and vindictive towards one another. I have struggled to adapt my moral code to fit the behaviors concomitant with the lifestyle but it seems that the lifestyle is forcing me too far away from everything I love and value. No matter how many times I try to purge my perception of its firmly held beliefs and skewed biases, the same classic stereotypes of gay men keep rearing their ugly heads. The indiscriminate sex, superficiality, unstable relationships, self-hatred, peter pan syndrome, closeted connections, ageism, shade, loneliness, preoccupation with sex, prejudice, aversion to intimacy all seem to come out of the ground I thought they were buried under. Gay men just seem to find it difficult to transcend the stereotypes and clichés attached to the life and it is becoming disheartening.

It has been seven years since I decided to live my life as an openly gay male and it has not been an easy road. It has been fraught with much pain and misery that I initially tried to mask with alcohol, drugs, sex and parties. In the beginning it was hard to admit that I liked other men. But I did and it was a very freeing experience. It gave me the opportunity to assert my identity when for years I struggled with this. It gave me a chance to be my own activist and stand up in the face of opposition from family, friends and society as a whole. I took pride in my gay pride and felt as though I were apart of something greater than myself, a movement of men who loved other men and who were unafraid to show it. Our love was supposed to be a revolutionary act. But the truth is, we didn’t love each other; we were just infatuated with the idea of belonging and going against the grain. We loved the freedom and taboo of rebelling against societal mores. The love that we thought was intricate to the spelling of our revolution was just a knife that we turned in on ourselves under the guise of fun and good times.

Personally I believe that love is sacrifice and not many gay men are willing to sacrifice for their brethren nowadays. Initially this spirit of self-sacrifice was salient during the AIDS crisis in the early 80’s and 90’s when resources were scarce and people were afraid. But now, there seems to be a preoccupation with the seduction of risk, as gay men play with matches, hoping to ignite meaningful connections in their never ending self-discovery. The grand prize of intimacy is often forfeited for the immediate gratification of a casual encounter on craigslist or a geo-social hook up on Grindr. Cars have become the new bedrooms and sex is not followed with pillow talk but rather phrases such as: “Blo and Go,” “Pump and Dump” and “Skeet and Leave”. The life is starting to look a lot like a slow death simmering on low heat and it doesn’t hold the same appeal that it once did to me. It is a life in serious need of renovations.

Men also used to be men and approached you with a modicum of chivalrous courage. Now they hide behind electronic masks or position themselves in close proximity to you at clubs hoping you initiate contact only to arrogantly dismiss your advances in an attempt to project their own discomfort. I have noticed that a lot of gay men seem to only want a challenge and live for the elusive. They want men who do not want them, men who resemble the emotional distance or absence of their fathers.

I am too young to long for the good old days but this life makes you miss what it meant to be gay. It makes you long for the times when a guy would greet you and offer you a drink as opposed to his cock size and sexual stats. The middleman of courtesy has been eliminated and replaced with an immoral devil who chaperons your destruction daily. It just isn’t worth it anymore. And while I recognize my attractions to men, I choose to no longer associate myself with a life that lives outside of morality and goodness.

The gay life is like the love of a bad boy whose attention and love you initially covet but eventually outgrow. It’s just not where I see myself anymore.


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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby suswot » Sun Jul 19, 2015 6:39 am

You can be everything you wanted to be...

I think being GAY is a privilege that is not available for everyone else, kahit na you feel feminine inside, you need to have balls in order to be a gay.

I always pray to God not to have a female genitalia, but to have a change of heart na sana mawala na ang ganitong feelings and affection ko towards MEN...dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na lalake parin ako, I wanted to be a straight man. i don't want other people to call me Gay because each of us have our own definition of what is gay... When people call you Gay, it's like inaalisan ka nila ng karapatan na maging lalake, at inaapakan ang pagkatao mo..tsaka yun talaga ang preference ko eh, mas masarap naman talaga kasi makipag "do" sa babae compared sa mga lalaking walang kalatoy latoy at gusto lang binibigyan sila...

Well, people will judge you no matter what, pag nagpaka-bakla ka huhusgahan kang salot at nakakadiri,,,kpag nagpakalalaki ka naman huhusgahan ka ding hindi nagpapakatotoo sa sarili at impokrita...

Sometime its okay for us to consider that there are only two types of gender in this world...tanggalin nalang yang straight, bakla, tomboy, bisexual, lesbian, yang mga misleading terms na yan....much better if we refer to other people as Man, Woman, Man who loves man, Woman who loves woman, Man who loves both man and woman...para wala ng social stigma na dala-dala ang mga terms na gaya ng bakla.
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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby IceCream.12 » Sun Jul 19, 2015 7:07 am

"Its not about your gender, its all about the great things that you can do. Don't hide, live, live with happiness."

-IceCream
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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby Atoy » Sun Jul 19, 2015 2:40 pm

lagi kong dinadasal yan, alam na alam ko lalakeng lalake ako bago ako maging grade 2 dahil nagkakacrush ako sa babae, nagpapacute din ako sa kanila, natutuwa ako ng palihim pag katabi ko sa seat ang crush kong babae, weird din nag flaflying kiss ako ng patago. then unti unti kong naramdaman na naging equal, humabol ang pagkagusto ko sa boys, inosente ko din sila nagustuhan and then tuluyan ng nasentro ang focus ko sa kanila. mahabang kwento.

ang tanong can we train our brain not to like men anymore,sa akin may natitira pa din akong pag kagusto sa mga babaeng mapute at makinis na nakasleeveless at kita legs, mahaba buhok matangos at maliit na ilong at nagiinvite na mga mata, malambing na aggressive. pwede ko talagang ibigay ang gabi ko sa kanila. sabi ko din binigyan ako ng napaga poging itsura na hinahangaan ng karamihan babae at lalake. niligawan na din ako ng babae noon di naman maganda pero disidido talaga sya dahil ang dami nyang regalo sa akin, siya din nagyaya sa akin sa motel, nagbibigay ng load at naghahatid sa akn sa sakayan kapag uuwi na kami sa klase. may mga kagaya ko na closet gay, guapo, fafang fafa sa tingin pero deep inside nagkakagusto sa kapwa lalake, mga ayaw mag pakatotoo sa harap ng magulang kaibigan dahil di alam ang kalalabasan na alam na alam ko na gusto ako makasama, maging close at alam nyo na =b :D/ .. sa kabila ng lahat gusto ko pa ding mag ka anak pero di ko kayang makisama sa babae. lolokohin ko lang sya. pero kung matatanggap nya kung sino ako at ang aking gusto pwede naman akong pumasok sa ganong samahan, sa pagkakaroon lang ng sarili kong pamilya. isang estado na kelangan ng bawat isa.
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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby beautywatchnyc » Sun Jul 19, 2015 2:44 pm


The gift of life is worth more than what others would want us to become who we are not. We came into this world with a birthright. Like everyone else, gay or straight, rich or poor, each one of us has a place under the sun.

Own what you have. And all that you're blessed with. Embrace your insignificance and your smallness with finality.
Last edited by beautywatchnyc on Sun Jul 19, 2015 11:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby callmemike » Sun Jul 19, 2015 6:11 pm

I am gay and I will always be labeled gay until I die. People from the place where I spent most of my 38 years of my life know that. I used to wish I were straight because back then I believed that for me to be truly happy, I must have that someone who will love me for who I truly am. I also regretted being gay because in my belief God has blessed me enough with good looks. I also used to hide my sexuality but the way I talked and walked revealed it.

Just like most gays, I also found myself enjoying all those worldly pleasures a countless times. Pleasure was all I had because deep inside of me, I was unhappy and that melancholy manifested in my attitude towards life and in the activities I used to do. I indulged in self-pity. I attempted committing suicide twice. It wasn't my time to die yet those two occasions, obviously, and only time revealed I still had that almost a handful purpose.

FAST FORWARD TO THE PRESENT TIME

So many stories of deaths of people I used to see a lot back to where I spent most of my 38 years of my life have reached my knowledge and, undeniably, have affected me, making me realize that life is indeed short and made even shorter by the evils of this world.

Never have I believed more that a man has a soul than that time I was at the bedside of my auntie, whom I single-handedly took care of, hours before she breathed her last. I saw her raising her right hand so many times, wanting to go with that invisible being who was taking her along and who turned out to be her mother as I heard her utter softly "Ma...ma" much later. Recalling this while writing my thoughts down, I just didn't expect, can still make me feel sad. I have just mastered suppressing my feelings. There had only been a few occasions when a tear or two fell down my cheeks when memories of her flashed into my mind, making me grieve for her terribly.

This grief has been the most difficult feeling I have to ever cope with. When my auntie died, she left me with a lot of memories which I can only wish she had all taken with her. She left me with a void only she can fill. I have been fortunate to be blessed by God, though, with wisdom because I have immediately known how to deal with my longing for my auntie. I have been using the gratitude for all the love, kindness, patience, and understanding she gave me to pray for the eternal repose of her soul. I have also been using the guilt I feel every time I remember the times I hurt her to say my prayers for her and for all the departed.

Wanting to help speed up her ascent to heaven, I searched on the world wide web for prayers for the souls in purgatory. I clicked one of the results and found four prayers. One was the prayer I have been saying for the eternal rest of the souls of my paternal and maternal grandparents, my own father, my other ancestors and relatives, some classmates and a number of famous personalities who died way before my auntie did last May 27, 2014. I copied those prayers and I read them daily but only until I memorized them early this year did I keep that paper away.

Nothing that happens to us is without a reason. My auntie may have left me but I have some other things to be thankful about. I have been reunited with my family and I have been basking on their love for me and I have been making them feel their comfort and happiness matter to me a lot. Going through a dark period in life must be harder for a person who has no one to keep him company. God also gave me the grace to humble myself, bring myself closer to Him and change my ways.

My auntie was religious and she only stopped hearing Mass when she became incapacitated. Because my auntie was self-sacrificing and because I want to please God, I felt that the best I can do is offer them both the Holy Mass, the highest form of sacrifice. I was able to conquer all my inner demons, knowing that sloth hinders spiritual growth, and started attending Mass, not only on a Sunday but on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday and saying all the Joyful, Sorrowful and Glorious mysteries of the Holy Rosary before the Mass. I was also able to confess my sins the first Friday of this month, right after the Mass. I badly wanted to undergo penance because I was guilt-ridden. (I used to just pray for God to bless me with the courage and initiative for me to do what I believe are the right things for me to do. Sometimes, things happen because we want them to happen. I cannot just say I love God and my auntie and just do nothing. With God's grace, I have been able to make God, my auntie, my father and those other beloved departed feel very important. God's love for us and the love we have for Him really manifest in our words, thoughts and actions. I have brought myself closest to God at my poorest, the reason why I came to realize that more pitiful is the penniless man when building and nurturing his relationship with his Creator require him to shell out a single centavo. Thank God, it only needs faith and strong will to put Him at the center of our lives.).

Having gone to a catholic school ran by Franciscan sisters and having an uncle who is also prayerful, their teachings just stuck in my head. Good people go to heaven while those who died with even one mortal sin go to hell and those who died with venial sins go through purging. A soul in purgatory experiences either extreme coldness or extreme heat.

We can make those who have passed on to another life in another dimension feel we love them even after their deaths. More so, because they badly need our prayers for they can't pray for themselves. The more times we include them in our prayers, the faster they will be cleansed of their sins and the sooner they enter the gates of heaven. Because they loved us when they were alive and because their deaths didn't stop us from loving them, sparing pieces of our time to say our prayers for them is the best thing we can do to make that flame of love burning.

CLOSING STATEMENTS

Being too preoccupied with worldly pleasures and being too bent on becoming financially and materially wealthy can make man forget God. So strongly attached is he to them that he forgets that this is not his only home, that his body will die and decompose and that his soul which is immortal needs nourishment and bringing himself closer to God and putting Him at the center of his life are the best ways to do it. Only when a cup is empty can it be filled, reason why man needs to forget his pride and admit he needs God's grace. He needs to forget his pride because it sets him and his Creator apart from each other, far and wide. He will then experience the crowding out of his vices by love of God and love of neighbor and self. Because he has built a very strong connection with God he can experience real ecstasy, inner peace or spiritual bliss.
Last edited by callmemike on Sun Oct 18, 2015 2:51 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby estrella » Sun Jul 19, 2015 6:58 pm

I love cocks!!! :!! :!! :!!
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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby monakikimonakiki » Sun Jul 19, 2015 9:12 pm

Atoy wrote:lagi kong dinadasal yan, alam na alam ko lalakeng lalake ako bago ako maging grade 2 dahil nagkakacrush ako sa babae, nagpapacute din ako sa kanila, natutuwa ako ng palihim pag katabi ko sa seat ang crush kong babae, weird din nag flaflying kiss ako ng patago. then unti unti kong naramdaman na naging equal, humabol ang pagkagusto ko sa boys, inosente ko din sila nagustuhan and then tuluyan ng nasentro ang focus ko sa kanila. mahabang kwento.

ang tanong can we train our brain not to like men anymore,sa akin may natitira pa din akong pag kagusto sa mga babaeng mapute at makinis na nakasleeveless at kita legs, mahaba buhok matangos at maliit na ilong at nagiinvite na mga mata, malambing na aggressive. pwede ko talagang ibigay ang gabi ko sa kanila. sabi ko din binigyan ako ng napaga poging itsura na hinahangaan ng karamihan babae at lalake. niligawan na din ako ng babae noon di naman maganda pero disidido talaga sya dahil ang dami nyang regalo sa akin, siya din nagyaya sa akin sa motel, nagbibigay ng load at naghahatid sa akn sa sakayan kapag uuwi na kami sa klase. may mga kagaya ko na closet gay, guapo, fafang fafa sa tingin pero deep inside nagkakagusto sa kapwa lalake, mga ayaw mag pakatotoo sa harap ng magulang kaibigan dahil di alam ang kalalabasan na alam na alam ko na gusto ako makasama, maging close at alam nyo na =b :D/ .. sa kabila ng lahat gusto ko pa ding mag ka anak pero di ko kayang makisama sa babae. lolokohin ko lang sya. pero kung matatanggap nya kung sino ako at ang aking gusto pwede naman akong pumasok sa ganong samahan, sa pagkakaroon lang ng sarili kong pamilya. isang estado na kelangan ng bawat isa.


May natitira kapa ring pagkagusto sa mga babaeng mapute at makinis na nakasleeveless at kita legs, mahaba buhok matangos at maliit na ilong at nag-i-invite na mga mata, malambing na aggressive? Sure ka? Baka naman ang tamang term ay naiinggit ka sa mga babaeng mapute at makinis na nakasleeveless at kita legs, mahaba buhok matangos at maliit na ilong at nag-i-invite na mga mata, malambing na aggressive? Timbangin mong mabuti feeling mo kapatid. Kasi puro kabaklaan ang tinalakay mo sa kwento ng buhay mo, tapos bigla-bigla"may natitira ka pang pagkagusto"? Hello PLDT!!!
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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby Bulbulito Bayagbag Ahhh » Sun Jul 19, 2015 10:13 pm

kaplastikan at its best =O/ =O/ =O/ Its either you're straight or you're gay, no in between...
Ang bakla ay bakla, we cannot fool ourselves, bakla bakla forever, period =O/ =O/ =O/
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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby maimai » Mon Jul 20, 2015 10:01 am

PUSH IT BABY! >=p
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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby Don Facundo Kurikong » Mon Jul 20, 2015 12:21 pm

Juizzzeeekoooohhhh, tinatanong pa ba yan.... :-O :-O :-O
Deep down inside alam naman natin kung ano talaga tayo. 8-> 8-> 8->

Saken nga, pag ang lalake tumitig sa guapo ng lagpas 5 seconds,,,, hmmmmmmm CONFIRMED,,,,, :D/ :D/ :D/
Echosin pa ba ako,,, pag malansa, aamoy at aamoy, kahit itago mo pa sa closeta,,, PRAMIS.... :%)) :%)) :%))

Sa buong buhay ko, wala pa akong nakitang dinurog na PAMHINTA na nabuo ulet...
Debahhhhhh mga gurlsssssssssssss =;)) =;)) =;)) =;)) =;)) =;)) :!!
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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby Brenda Maita Lucrecia » Tue Jul 21, 2015 8:03 am

walang problema, eh di paopera ka na para tuluyang maging girl ka na... X( X( >:)
ITS BETTER TO SHOW YOUR BAD PERSONALITY.
THAN TO ACT LIKE AN ANGEL FULL OF PLASTICITY.

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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby suswot » Sun Oct 18, 2015 6:50 am

Thank you bro for reminding me! nakatulong to ng sobra....All we need is not the opinion of man but it is the love of God for us to find true happiness...nasubukan ko narin kasi halos lahat ng worldly pleasures at kabadingan sa mundo pero lahat yun regrettable at panandalian lang...

callmemike wrote:I am gay and I will always be labeled gay until I die. People from the place where I spent most of my 38 years of my life know that. I used to wish I were straight because back then I believed that for me to be truly happy, I must have that someone who will love me for who I truly am. I also regretted being gay because in my belief God has blessed me enough with good looks. I also used to hide my sexuality but the way I talked and walked revealed it.

Just like most gays, I also found myself enjoying all those worldly pleasures a countless times. Pleasure was all I had because deep inside of me, I was unhappy and that melancholy manifested in my attitude towards life and in the activities I used to do. I indulged in self-pity. I attempted committing suicide twice. It wasn't my time to die yet those two occasions, obviously, and only time revealed I still had that almost a handful purpose.

FAST FORWARD TO THE PRESENT TIME

So many stories of deaths of people I used to see a lot back to where I spent most of my 38 years of my life have reached my knowledge and, undeniably, have affected me, making me realize that life is indeed short and made even shorter by the evils of this world.

Never have I believed more that a man has a soul than that time I was at the bedside of my auntie, whom I single-handedly took care of, hours before she breathed her last. I saw her raising her right hand so many times, wanting to go with that invisible being who was taking her along and who turned out to be her mother as I heard her utter softly "Ma...ma" much later. recalling this while writing my thoughts down, I just didn't expect, can still make me feel sad. I have just mastered suppressing my feelings. There had only been a few occasions when a tear or two fell down my cheeks when memories of her flashed into my mind, making me grieve for her terribly.

This grief has been the most difficult feeling I have to ever cope with. When my auntie died, she left me with a lot of memories which I can only wish she had all taken with her. She left me with a void only she can fill. I have been fortunate to be blessed by God, though, with wisdom because I have immediately known how to deal with my longing for my auntie. I have been using the gratitude for all the love, kindness, patience, and understanding she gave me to pray for the eternal repose of her soul. I have also been using the guilt I feel every time I remember the times I hurt her to say my prayers for her and for all the departed.

Wanting to help speed up her ascent to heaven, I searched on the world wide web for prayers for the souls in purgatory. I clicked one of the results and found four prayers. One was the prayer I have been saying for the eternal rest of the souls of my paternal and maternal grandparents, my own father, my other ancestors and relatives, some classmates and a number of famous personalities who died way before my auntie did last May 27, 2014. I copied those prayers and I read them daily but only until I memorized them early this year did I keep that paper away.

Nothing that happens to us is without a reason. My auntie may have left me but I have some other things to be thankful about. I have been reunited with my family and I have been basking on their love for me and I have been making them feel their comfort and happiness matter to me a lot. Going through a dark period in life must be harder for a person who has no one to keep him company. God also gave me the grace to humble myself, bring myself closer to him and change my ways.

My auntie was religious and she only stopped hearing Mass when she became incapacitated. Because my auntie was self-sacrificing and because I want to please God, I felt that the best I can do is offer them both the Holy Mass, the highest form of sacrifice. I was able to conquer all my inner demons, knowing that sloth hinders spiritual growth, and started attending Mass, not only on a Sunday but on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday and saying all the Joyful, Sorrowful and Glorious mysteries of the Holy Rosary before the Mass. I was also able to confess my sins the first Friday of this month, right after the Mass. I badly wanted to undergo penance because I was guilt-ridden. (I used to just pray for God to bless me with the courage and initiative for me to do what I believe are the right things for me to do. Sometimes, things happen because we want them to happen. I cannot just say I love God and my auntie and just do nothing. With God's grace, I have been able to make God, my auntie, my father and those other beloved departed feel very important. God's love for us and the love we have for Him really manifest in our words, thoughts and actions. I have brought myself closest to God at my poorest, the reason why I came to realize that more pitiful is the penniless man when building and nurturing his relationship with his Creator require him to shell out a single centavo. Thank God, it only needs faith and strong will to put Him at the center of our lives.).

Having gone to a catholic school ran by Franciscan sisters and having an uncle who is also prayerful, their teachings just stuck in my head. Good people go to heaven while those who died with even one mortal sin go to hell and those who died with venial sins go through purging. A soul in purgatory experiences either extreme coldness or extreme heat.

We can make those who have passed on to another life in another dimension feel we love them even after their deaths. More so, because they badly need our prayers for they can't pray for themselves. The more times we include them in our prayers, the faster they will be cleansed of their sins and the sooner they enter the gates of heaven. Because they loved us when they were alive and because their deaths didn't stop us from loving them, sparing pieces of our time to say our prayers for them is the best thing we can do to make that flame of love burning.

CLOSING STATEMENTS

Being too preoccupied with worldly pleasures and being too bent on becoming financially and materially wealthy can make man forget God. So strongly attached is he to them that he forgets that this is not his only home, that his body will die and decompose and that his soul which is immortal needs nourishment and bringing himself closer to God and putting Him at the center of his life are the best ways to do it. Only when a cup is empty can it be filled, reason why man needs to forget his pride and admit he needs God's grace. He needs to forget his pride because it sets him and his Creator apart from each other, far and wide. He will then experience the crowding out of his vices by love of God and love of neighbor and self. Because he has built a very strong connection with God he can experience real ecstasy, inner peace or spiritual bliss.



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Re: WHY I NO LONGER WANT TO BE GAY

Postby callmemike » Sun Oct 18, 2015 12:03 pm

suswot wrote:Thank you bro for reminding me! nakatulong to ng sobra....All we need is not the opinion of man but it is the love of God for us to find true happiness...nasubukan ko narin kasi halos lahat ng worldly pleasures at kabadingan sa mundo pero lahat yun regrettable at panandalian lang...

callmemike wrote:I am gay and I will always be labeled gay until I die. People from the place where I spent most of my 38 years of my life know that. I used to wish I were straight because back then I believed that for me to be truly happy, I must have that someone who will love me for who I truly am. I also regretted being gay because in my belief God has blessed me enough with good looks. I also used to hide my sexuality but the way I talked and walked revealed it.

Just like most gays, I also found myself enjoying all those worldly pleasures a countless times. Pleasure was all I had because deep inside of me, I was unhappy and that melancholy manifested in my attitude towards life and in the activities I used to do. I indulged in self-pity. I attempted committing suicide twice. It wasn't my time to die yet those two occasions, obviously, and only time revealed I still had that almost a handful purpose.

FAST FORWARD TO THE PRESENT TIME

So many stories of deaths of people I used to see a lot back to where I spent most of my 38 years of my life have reached my knowledge and, undeniably, have affected me, making me realize that life is indeed short and made even shorter by the evils of this world.

Never have I believed more that a man has a soul than that time I was at the bedside of my auntie, whom I single-handedly took care of, hours before she breathed her last. I saw her raising her right hand so many times, wanting to go with that invisible being who was taking her along and who turned out to be her mother as I heard her utter softly "Ma...ma" much later. recalling this while writing my thoughts down, I just didn't expect, can still make me feel sad. I have just mastered suppressing my feelings. There had only been a few occasions when a tear or two fell down my cheeks when memories of her flashed into my mind, making me grieve for her terribly.

This grief has been the most difficult feeling I have to ever cope with. When my auntie died, she left me with a lot of memories which I can only wish she had all taken with her. She left me with a void only she can fill. I have been fortunate to be blessed by God, though, with wisdom because I have immediately known how to deal with my longing for my auntie. I have been using the gratitude for all the love, kindness, patience, and understanding she gave me to pray for the eternal repose of her soul. I have also been using the guilt I feel every time I remember the times I hurt her to say my prayers for her and for all the departed.

Wanting to help speed up her ascent to heaven, I searched on the world wide web for prayers for the souls in purgatory. I clicked one of the results and found four prayers. One was the prayer I have been saying for the eternal rest of the souls of my paternal and maternal grandparents, my own father, my other ancestors and relatives, some classmates and a number of famous personalities who died way before my auntie did last May 27, 2014. I copied those prayers and I read them daily but only until I memorized them early this year did I keep that paper away.

Nothing that happens to us is without a reason. My auntie may have left me but I have some other things to be thankful about. I have been reunited with my family and I have been basking on their love for me and I have been making them feel their comfort and happiness matter to me a lot. Going through a dark period in life must be harder for a person who has no one to keep him company. God also gave me the grace to humble myself, bring myself closer to him and change my ways.

My auntie was religious and she only stopped hearing Mass when she became incapacitated. Because my auntie was self-sacrificing and because I want to please God, I felt that the best I can do is offer them both the Holy Mass, the highest form of sacrifice. I was able to conquer all my inner demons, knowing that sloth hinders spiritual growth, and started attending Mass, not only on a Sunday but on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday and saying all the Joyful, Sorrowful and Glorious mysteries of the Holy Rosary before the Mass. I was also able to confess my sins the first Friday of this month, right after the Mass. I badly wanted to undergo penance because I was guilt-ridden. (I used to just pray for God to bless me with the courage and initiative for me to do what I believe are the right things for me to do. Sometimes, things happen because we want them to happen. I cannot just say I love God and my auntie and just do nothing. With God's grace, I have been able to make God, my auntie, my father and those other beloved departed feel very important. God's love for us and the love we have for Him really manifest in our words, thoughts and actions. I have brought myself closest to God at my poorest, the reason why I came to realize that more pitiful is the penniless man when building and nurturing his relationship with his Creator require him to shell out a single centavo. Thank God, it only needs faith and strong will to put Him at the center of our lives.).

Having gone to a catholic school ran by Franciscan sisters and having an uncle who is also prayerful, their teachings just stuck in my head. Good people go to heaven while those who died with even one mortal sin go to hell and those who died with venial sins go through purging. A soul in purgatory experiences either extreme coldness or extreme heat.

We can make those who have passed on to another life in another dimension feel we love them even after their deaths. More so, because they badly need our prayers for they can't pray for themselves. The more times we include them in our prayers, the faster they will be cleansed of their sins and the sooner they enter the gates of heaven. Because they loved us when they were alive and because their deaths didn't stop us from loving them, sparing pieces of our time to say our prayers for them is the best thing we can do to make that flame of love burning.

CLOSING STATEMENTS

Being too preoccupied with worldly pleasures and being too bent on becoming financially and materially wealthy can make man forget God. So strongly attached is he to them that he forgets that this is not his only home, that his body will die and decompose and that his soul which is immortal needs nourishment and bringing himself closer to God and putting Him at the center of his life are the best ways to do it. Only when a cup is empty can it be filled, reason why man needs to forget his pride and admit he needs God's grace. He needs to forget his pride because it sets him and his Creator apart from each other, far and wide. He will then experience the crowding out of his vices by love of God and love of neighbor and self. Because he has built a very strong connection with God he can experience real ecstasy, inner peace or spiritual bliss.





I was very surprised to see the title of this thread appear again on the first of my View Your Posts pages. Out of curiosity, I opened this thread again to find out what your comment was all about. So surprised and so pleased I was with your reply that I had to read again what I wrote above to see how it helped you. My pleasure, my brother, and I am very happy for you. Everything that is pleasantly going with your life is an answered prayer.

What I have become is a far cry from what I was years ago. There was even a time that I refused to pray because I felt God was neglecting me. I was envious of people I saw happy with their partners. I was longing to be loved. I thought then that my happiness depends on someone who will love me.

My fate saw me relocating here after my auntie died. Even before she died, the owner of the house we used to live in already told us to vacate their house. I asked my mother to call him and beg if we could stay there only until my auntie's alive. The whole ordeal we went through, I saw to it I called on God to never abandon us in one of the most trying times of our lives. I saw my auntie weaken and I saw ourselves being deluged with problems and it's just rightful that out of gratitude, I should bring myself closer to God after because I came out of such a predicament wiser and stronger. There was never a day then and until now that I didn't pray.

Prayers really do wonders. My efforts to spend more of my time reaching out to my Creator didn't turn out to be futile. My love for God and His love for me have truly manifested in my words, thoughts, and actions. With His grace, I have not only known that I ought to please Him but I also have been doing the things that He doesn't find detestable or abominable. I have stopped complaining because I know that to do that is to be ungrateful for what God has blessed us with and to be forgetful of the possibility that the burden of other people might be heavier. I also have learned to not regard work as an obligation but an occasion for me to bring glory and delight to God. This thought helped me muster the strength to finally hear Mass regularly. I used to view Mass as something that takes too much of my time and it was because my love then for God was not as deep as it is now. I only heard Mass before during first Friday of the month when I was still studying. Now, even if I am penniless almost all the time and even if I have to walk alone going to the church and going home, I lovingly attend Mass four times a week. Just as I find an hour Mass a breeze, this also what I think about praying the Holy Rosary, all four mysteries(Joyful, Sorrowful, Glorious, Luminous) of it in one kneeling or sitting. These days, I even do it twice after reading the message of the Blessed Virgin Mary at Fatima where She asked people to do it in reparation to Her Immaculate Heart. The desire to do my part is burning. I also have learned to swallow my pride. I reached out to my younger sister who after all this time must have hated me. I refused to answer back that someone in this forum who made me feel he or she despises me. I also shared with people here what the few times I had money had bought. I have never been known to be selfish, though.

It also amazes me to see God never leave me in my consciousness. I think about Him often and I love it. This must be the reason why the wisdom and the intellect He has given me, I am putting to good use, by imparting words of wisdom to those who willingly listen to me. This must be His work.

This is not bragging. I am just amazed at how I have become. I am sharing my story to inspire people. What's happening to me will surely happen to people who allow their world to revolve around God. This is God's work. He is saving me at a time when I strongly believe the second coming of Jesus is near, so near that the prophecies in the book of Daniel and Revelations have started to becoming fulfilled. This is the biggest reason why I am praying even harder. I want the names of everyone to be written in the Book of Life, so that no matter how badly men test our faith in Jesus, people won't accept the mark of the beast. The anti-Christ and the false prophet are already here. If we love ourselves, we should not allow ourselves to be eternally damned. We should remember that we cannot ask for a second chance after Christ's judgment.

Please continue bringing yourself closer to God. He wants to save you. Please bear everything you read in mind.
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